dear abby.

dear abby,

i had three dreams last night.

dreams:

1. jon and i were sharing a cigarette.  i was being a cigarette hog.
2. i was at the temple... and so was kings of leon.
3. i was back at hayden library (my former workplace) from which i was apparently banned.  my old co-workers helped me sneak around my old boss so i wouldn't get caught and arrested.

thoughts:

1. there are two issues here.  the obvious - the smoking - seems of lesser concern to me than the second - that i was hogging the smokes.  (poor jon, he only got one drag.)  this is not a new revelation.  i am also a notorious blanket hog and also there was one halloween where i distinctly remember not sharing any of my candy with anyone, including the ones i don't even like.  i think it's clear enough that i have a hogging problem.
2. i have a weird relationship with this band.  sometimes i love them, but also sometimes i hate them, and every so often they'll pop up in my dreams and it will be the weirdest dream ever.  once i had a dream and they and some of my friends were having a party in some basement that magically caught on fire.  in another dream i've dreamt up one of their songs that doesn't actually exist.  we've also gone on a road trip together and snuck into a hotel's pool.  but now they're infiltrating places in my dreams where i don't want them to be and i think it's getting out of hand.
3. this dream was actually really exciting.  i was an outlaw, and it was bonkers-fun.  i hid in all of the lesser-known places that i found while working there for two years, and my co-workers were the best accomplices a fugitive could ever have.  take that, old boss!

conclusion:

all of this seems to point to some rebellious part of me that really wants to cut loose.  or something??  i'm thinking back to a note that i wrote in my phone a few months ago (and also on this blog, i believe):

"sometimes i'm disappointed at myself when the most rebellious thing i can think of doing is bring a two-liter of dr. pepper to the next ward potluck dinner.  be better at rebellion...??"

only that's not even that rebellious because i'm pretty positive my DP is church-sanctioned.  or at least it's not not-church-sanctioned.

i'm troubled.  very troubled.

sincerely,

rebel-whose-cause-is-rebellion-which-probably-isn't-good-enough.