30 December 2012

in conclusion.

i think new year's is the most romantic time of the year.  it has to do with all of the reflecting, but especially the resolving.  it's a hopeful, optimistic time of looking to the future and expecting and planning for the best.  it sets the tone for the year and if you can start it right, everything might just turn out perfect.

i can certainly attest to this, speaking from the opposite experience of starting a year completely afraid.  last year i was terrified of 2012.  i knew the things i wanted for my life during the coming twelve months, but i didn't know how to get them.  and i was so afraid they wouldn't come.  i let those fears turn to insecurities, and 2012 became the hardest, loneliest year of my life.

until october.  then things changed, slowly but surely.  the year has ended wonderfully, and it's almost too hard to even remember how the first 75% of the year felt.  almost.

fact: i'm ready to redeem the first nine months of 2012 with the last three months.  in my heart it's something i want to do really badly, but i also don't want to be too hasty.  i still want to respect that kristin of the first nine months of 2012.  that's probably silly, but oh well.

2012 was tough.  but i'm not willing to say "the worst ever."  truthfully, at the end of it all, i really like myself after 2012.  is that narcissistic?  i don't mean for it to be.  i just feel like i can take a step out of myself, observe kristin in her present state and say: she's good.  she's done good things, and she's one step closer to being as perfect as she can be.  (hopefully, in the scheme of things, that step is a really really big one.  these steps are getting harder.)  i respect this person for doing hard things, even if no one else respects her or even believes those things were hard.  i respect her for doing those hard things, sometimes by herself and the entire time not the least bit graceful.

i'm ready for 2013.  excited, even.  i don't know why - there are still just as many unknowns as there were one year ago.  but this time i refuse to let those unknowns create fear.  i'm a stronger person than i was last time.  i know more, i feel more, and i can do more.

to close, a poem i recently discovered.  i won't go all english major here and expound on anything - mostly because my own thoughts and interpretations of it are deeply personal and sacred to me.  but i think it's worth sharing and hope you like it as much as i do.

It would be neat if with the New Year
by Jimmy Santiago Baca

     for Miguel

It would be neat if with the New Year
I could leave my loneliness behind with the old year.
My leathery loneliness an old pair of work boots
my dog vigorously head-shakes back and forth in its jaws,
chews on for hours every day in my front yard -
rain, sun, snow, or wind
in bare feet, pondering my poem,
I'd look out my window and see that dirty pair of boots in the yard.

But my happiness depends so much on wearing those boots.

At the end of my day
while I'm in a chair listening to a Mexican corrido
I stare at my boots appreciating:
all the wrong roads we've taken, all the drug and whiskey houses
we've visited, and as the Mexican singer wails his pain,
I smile at my boots, understanding every note in his voice,
and strangers, when the see my boots rocking back and forth on my
keeping beat to the song, see how
my boots are scuffed, tooth-marked, worn-soled.

I keep wearing them because they fit so good
and I need them, especially when I love so hard,
where I go up those boulder strewn trails,
where flowers crack rocks in their defiant love for the light.

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