21 June 2012

in the danger zone.

yesterday i had a job interview.  the first one of the summer out of a million applications!  and after writing that resolution on the blog and putting on my game face, i had confidence flowing out through my nose, i did!

and well, the interview started.  then it was over.  and even though there times throughout the whole process that made me think yeah! look at you go, awesome!, afterwards i went to my oven of a car and sat in it for a while.  and i just felt awful.

as fate would have it, i received an email two hours later informing me that the job was not mine.

to be honest, after the initial heart-sinking, i felt okay about it.  kind of like i had dodged a bullet, maybe?  who knows.  plus, i was still on a water-ice high from earlier, and i was going to institute.  i was feeling fine!

but then, these horrible inadequacy feelings starting creeping in.  these feelings seemed to answer the well why didn't i get it? question.  then i started getting really upset.

and you know how it sometimes happens when one thing turns a little south, that somehow it's pointed out to you all of the other things in your life that aren't exactly going the way you want?  well, that happened.

very quickly, still no job?  how useless of you! made friends with:

everyone else you know is doing things.  job things.  graduate school things.  married-life things.  cool-life things.
your family is all together allllll the way on the other side of the country, and you're not with them.
are you gonna write something?  hmmm?  you've had writer's block for months now.

and, of course, the killer.

but really, is he going to marry you, or what?

i'm an optimistic person.  i really am.

but it's hard being optimistic and confident when all of those things just gang up on you all at once and remind you of all the ways in which you're falling short at the moment.  and i always do the sissy thing and cry.  and i don't stop crying until i start to sob.

and i'll be honest, i feel totally ashamed that tears are my reaction.  i'm always afraid that crying and being sad is inconsiderate of others' bigger problems, and it's showing Heavenly Father that i've forgotten or am not really grateful for my blessings and all of the good things in my life.  and that last part isn't true for me.  i know what i know is true, and i am not about to shake my fist up at the sky and be angry with anyone.  i haven't forgotten what i wrote yesterday or last week or how good i felt after writing both of them.

i know to ask how long instead of why and all of that.

and let me tell you, i am there at that how long question.  but i've been at this question for so long, and i've been hitting it from a million different angles.  i think it's safe to say it's tired of me crying at it all the time.  even the question wants me to get an answer.

i'm not really sure what i'm trying to accomplish here.  i'm not asking for pity or sympathy or well wishes or anything.  i actually feel incredibly uneasy about posting any of this, because i'm not sure that it's helping me, nor can i see how it's going to help anyone else.  but maybe, cross a few fingers for me?  kiss your loved ones and count your blessings and stuff like that?  i know that would sure help me.


  1. i dont know if this is comforting or not.. but that was my life for the next year after i graduated! filling out application after application, getting no response or turned down AND i was away from family too! I know how you feel! but.. like you are doing, i didn't give up spiritually and eventually life turned out perty good annd i give credit to that really:) just DONT GIVE UP and enjoy being out of college!

    But maybe the answer is.. move to cali.. dreams do come true there! the most magical place on earth is over there too! think about it

    1. california sounds so good right now, it's really tempting...
      thanks al, you're awesome :)

  2. I spent the last three (plus) months filling out applications, and after about 5 or 6 interviews, I finally got a job...like a week ago. So don't be discouraged! During the times when I would get discouraged, though, I would remember that I was doing all that I possibly could and praying as hard as I possibly could...and that Heavenly Father would make it happen in the right time, as long as I kept doing my part. It sounds so cliche, but it always calmed me down to think about that.