29 May 2012

on leaving, then coming back, then getting lost, then being given a compass.

last week i came home from a weeklong break and i felt good.

then monday came.  and monday gave me the reminder that i have nothing to do.  i don't have a church calling.  i don't have a wedding to plan like people want or think i should.  i don't have a job.  i don't have any classes to prepare for.  or a dog to walk.  or whatever.  i'm not meeting the expectations (i think) people have of me.

and for a couple of days, i wasn't bothered by that at all.  those things were furthest from my mind.  i could clean my house, try new stuff in the kitchen, take naps, go swimming, check out books from a library i've never worked at, and write.  i didn't have to do anything stressful.  i didn't have to leave my house and go out into the oppressing, suffocating, taunting, mean heat.

then it was friday.  and i lost it.  i want to be productive with my life and feel like i'm making progress.  and i can't.  i let the heat get to me, and i let it make me feel worthless and helpless.  it told me i was stuck, and i had nowhere to go because it was unavoidable.  the heat was everywhere.

and then, saturday.  saturday was lovely.  saturday was cool, refreshing, inviting, and liberating.  it was good and hopeful.  sunday was the same.  so was monday.

almost as if i was being told:  you will always be given the things you need to be able to breathe.  you're not going to suffocate.  you can breathe now.
i learned how to breathe this weekend.

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