30 November 2011

today, i open up a part of my soul to you...

...the part that is insecure and awkward and totally embarrassed right now, but still semi-trusting of the internet and the few glories it has to offer, so be nice, and try to suppress that part of you that might be a meanie soul-sucker.  or i will tell on you to your mom!
so, um... maybe you've noticed something a little different here recently...

...it's kind of embarrassing, and i'm a little afraid to talk about it...

...but you know, stepping outside of my comfort zone is good for me, so...

...here we go.

my voice is changing.

what?  you didn't get that?  well... okay:

my voice is changing.

still?  really??  well fine, if you're that helpless:

my voice is changing!
oooookay, well now you're just being mean!

my voice is changing!!

i mean, at first it wasn't that bad.  just some typeface changes.  you know, a little bolding here, some more italicized words there, and even playing around with alignment and font sizes a little bit.  just to emphasize some words and draw attention to some important ideas.

but now it's other stuff.  like:

1. completely bringing in new tones i have never used before, and
2. mentioning specific names of boys i'm really not putting any one person to i just mean everyone when i say their names (i don't know who the heck jack and steve are!), and
3. sometimes speaking in a way that i don't in real life, and
4. ramming phrases together to make long, headache-inducing run-on sentences (which i have graciously broken apart here for you by numbers... you're welcome!)!!!

and now i feel like the words are just drawing attention to themselves, and i don't know how i feel about it.

i guess i'm just experiencing a change of writing voice.  i've decided to call it writer's puberty.  and ladies and gentlemen, this brand of growing pains is just terrible!!

the strangest thing is that it feels completely natural.  as in, not forced or manipulated at all (as in, i don't know what other kind of natural you'd be thinking of, so i don't know why i had to specify, but i did, so there.).  it is slightly disturbing, and i'm trying to decide whether or not i annoy myself, as i've recently acquired the habit of occasionally going back and reading what i've slapped down here.  i read myself this morning, and dangit benjamin, it was like i was reading someone else's work.

so i guess i just have to ask you to bear with me, all.  if it makes you feel any better, i'm asking myself to bear with me, too.

it's just, i'm really embarrassed, and i... i just want to make it past this stage of life alive and hopefully with as few life-scarring moments as possible.

so if people ask you,

what is going on with kristin, she is acting so weird...

you can just say,

it's okay, she's kind of going through puberty right now and the whole experience just isn't being very good to her.  also, her life is SO hard.

(bit of a change-up for writer's wednesday today; more thinking of writing than displaying of writing.  so i hope you held on to your abnormally neon-colored drinks, people, and managed to refrain from spitting your beverages onto your computer screens because i bet they don't like that!!)

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