07 November 2011

Klosterman's Questions: Four.

Q. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla,"  Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and - most notably - a vague sense of self-awareness.  Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football.  The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end.  ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays).  Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.  You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

A. No.

One, the gorilla weighs seven hundred freaking pounds.  Seven hundred pounds of anything kills people.

Two, it would be signing with the Oakland Raiders.  This season anyway, give it to the Colts.  They need help.

Three, if you allow a gorilla to play on a men's football team, you open up the floodgates for tons of controversy and complaints from women who want to play on men's football teams.  And nobody wants that.

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