16 September 2011

ladies and gentlemen, i give you...

on this friday night i find myself:

1. consigning myself to my bedroom.
2. trying to do my homework (note: trying.  writing creatively is a lot harder than you'd think sometimes).
3. binging on peanut butter-filled pretzels and downing water as if someone told me we're running out of it tomorrow.
4. listening to the awkward-yet-still-somehow-comforting sounds of jonathan goldstein's voice via various radio shows (he laughs!  i've finally found a clip/story in which the man laughs!  multiple times!!)

i believe on this friday night i'm technically what most people would call a loser.

do you ever think about this word, "loser"?  i don't habitually, but an episode of this american life, allure of the mean friend (in which jgoldstein laughs) has made me think back on the times in my life when i was unfortunate enough to be bullied and picked on in school.  and of all the mean things that kids did (and do), i can't once recall a time when i was called "a loser."

is loser! not a good enough insult?  like, are bullies too good to go up to a nerdy little kid and just say, "man, you're a loser!" and walk away?  maybe it's that loser! doesn't pack a big enough punch.  yeah, that's probably it.  because ugly!, freak!, and other such mean things (like that weird eyelid stretching thing that's meant to be an insult, although now it makes no real sense to me) stab way deeper.

if you're starting to pity my tortured-elementary-school-self, don't.  i've been on both sides of the bully-bullied coin, and let me tell you: i've been mean, too.


remember that one time i was talking about how i submit way too easily to certain impulses and how i hoped that one day an impulse would be to not get something like a sewing machine but to get something like a haircut instead??


do you see this face?  this unattractive, washed-out-white face?  it's happy.  happy with longer-ish hair.

now look at this face.  though it's also in an unattractive state (yes, there's a peanut butter-filled pretzel in it), this face is not as excited as it was earlier in the day.  it's swimming in a slight haze of shock and mildly annoyed that after years of haircuts it still doesn't know the exact definition of "shoulder-length."


  1. Remember that time we went to a mormon dance party on a Friday night? Yeah, I think I prefer being loser.

    And I curse myself almost daily for chopping 8 inches of my hair off last spring. Why do we do that??!

  2. oh my word, don't remind me about that night EVER. please.

    and i absolutely loved your hair when you got it cut, it was so cute!!