31 July 2011

the imp of the perverse.

sometimes i want to do bad things - things i know will have seriously negative effects on my life if i do them.  and i'm not talking about bad things like skipping out on work and not notifying my boss, or not doing laundry for a couple of days and then getting out of a shower and realizing i have no clean clothes.

i'm talking about looking at a fire and wanting to touch it.  really badly.
i'm talking about standing outside, watching a lightning storm coming towards me and not wanting to move.
i'm talking about wanting to play in a body of water that recently had a hand in the death of some people.
i'm talking about standing on the edge of a cliff and wondering what it would be like to jump off.

before you go off thinking i'm nuts, let me just say something:

i'm not nuts.

nor am i suicidal.
i am perfectly content with living right now, thank you very much.

i think i just wonder too hard sometimes, that's all.


"We stand upon the brink of a precipice.  We peer into the abyss - we grow sick and dizzy.  Our first impulse is to shrink away from the danger.  Unaccountably we remain... it is but a thought, although a fearful one, and one which chills the very marrow of our bones with the fierceness of the delight of its horror.  It is merely the idea of what would be our sensations during the sweeping precipitancy of a fall from such a height... for this very cause do we now the most vividly desire it."


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