26 May 2011

being compared to fake people is unfortunate.

a few weeks ago i was talking to my mom on the phone.  i forget what it was we were talking about, but i remember she broke conversation and said something along the lines of your dad is worried about you.  he thinks you're like jane bennet.

i haven't read pride and prejudice in years, but i remember enough and i've seen the movie, so i know what jane bennet is like.  i also know that my parents did not mean to make this comparison a positive one.  they meant the assertion in a bad way, and i took it in a bad way.

the parentals meant to compare us in the way we verbally express ourselves.  we don't exactly do it.  we don't just tell anyone what we're feeling or who we like, and telling family members even takes some coaxing.  and while i don't think my parents necessarily thought about it this way, we're both agreeable and forgiving.  we think the best of the people and focus less on negative qualities, even if they're sometimes debilitating.  i think the latter quality is both a strength and a weakness.

i didn't feel like reading the book again, so two weeks ago i re-watched pride and prejudice, which is something i don't typically do out of want.  but i did it with the sole purpose of paying attention to jane's character.  i desperately wanted to find something i liked about her so that i felt less depressed about being likened to her.  i found nothing, and since then i've been in this weird haze tinged with the fear of identity crisis.

she's just such a blah person!  she's wishy-washy, she has no strong opinions, and she has no passion for anything.  what a boring, useless person.

i get that my parents were trying to alert me to the fact that i have things i need to work on by means that i would clearly understand them and actually want to do something about it and change.  and i hate to give them the satisfaction of letting them know that it's working, but i seriously need to distance myself from this fictional character as soon as possible if i want to feel totally comfortable about myself again.

at least i'm not a lydia or a kitty.  yeeeeeeeeah optimism!

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