28 February 2012

Klosterman's Questions: Seven.

Q. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster.  In an almost unbelievable coincidence a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity.  These events happen on the same afternoon.  That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later than week.  You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

A. well let's see.  we are talking about the ny times, sooo... which of these three stories would appeal to the liberal mindset the most??  that's the one that would make the front page.

just kidding. (butnotreally)

yikes, this is kind of hard.  to be honest, i think that i'd run the sasquatch story first.  then the president, and the loch ness monster last.

reasons:

1.  the loch ness monster lives in scotland.  is he scary?  maybe, but he lives an ocean away.  americans won't really worry about a monster that doesn't pose as an immediate threat to them.
2. the president says he may have thyroid cancer.  he might not.  in the event that he does, then we'll run that then.  i'd like to know what president would announce that he might have cancer in the first place.  what purpose that might possibly serve eludes me at this point.
3. sasquatch will instill fear into americans for sure.  especially if that wording is taken the way i'm taking it: a sasquatch.  not the sasquatch, but a sasquatch.  as in, one-of-many sasquatches.  people are gonna freak!

or the easiest thing to do would be to do what was suggested on that episode of wiretap (you know, where the interest in these questions came from??).

the headline would be: monsters exist!

i can picture that front page in my head: the big bold letters at the top, and the three columns below it, side-by-side, telling the different stories.

isn't that just the most terribly clever thing?

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